The Evolution of Dad

Coming from the perspective of three mothers who speak on postpartum difficulties, I found it most intriguing that Dana Glazer, filmmaker, and the other fathers in this influential documentary, The Evolution of Dad, felt alone and failures as men...in the beginning of their journeys. These are the exact words we used to describe ourselves when we were in the middle of dealing with our conditions.

Could it be we all felt this way because we didn’t feel heard and/or understood or valued while struggling with such pressure and beliefs that simply didn't serve us, well?

So...I am MOST relieved that Dana took his difficulty and created it into a gift of a documentary that is exceptionally eye-opening and validating! My eager eyes were further opened to:

• fathers who chose and choose to stay at home with their children and why;
• fathers who fight for their rights to have equal opportunities with their children;
• fathers who have to fight for paternal paid leave and, thankfully, WIN – a reality only true in the US and four other countries I’ve only heard of maybe one other time in my life;
• a grandfather who rose-up to raise his grand-daughter because her biological father simply did not trust himself enough to parent, and left her;
• parents who choose to both work part-time so that they may raise their children, together, despite losing health benefits!
• women and men who honour and respect what each other has to uniquely offer as parents and not assimilate to one method because one says it's so ~ it's about building confidence in the other to keep trusting his/her intuition ~ Dana's wife said something similar to this and it triggered me to only further respect Ward's ways!
  
• and then, all of this information is backed by verifiable experts!
  

This film also opened my mind to people's bent perceptions. For example, the many men and women that Dana interviewed, believed that a father should spend more time with their children, BUT their place is at work, not at home! So, a man is successful depending on the size of his wallet AND the size of his heart…seems like there’s quite a bit of pressure on men to be perfect, too!

With that typed...I was relieved to hear some of the younger generation realizing the roles of motherhood and fatherhood are dependent on their own definitions!

I like the idea of aiming to be that much more comfortable in my own skin and mind and following my heart despite what others have to say; despite how others rate success. My wish is that both Ward and I may model what success looks like to each of us, and together, so that our daughter may realize her own.

I cried happy tears at the end of this film!

It's my hope that thousands upon thousands of people and corporate owners take the opportunity to purchase and watch such a film. It's my hope the media positively spreads the revelations, inside ~ the hope and guidance is what it will take for our world to live compassionately forward!

With immense gratitude for all of us following our passions to elevate and recognize our power and worth, for our children's sakes ~ Happy Fathers’ Day!

Elita

Behind the Iron Mask: Postpartum Recovery is a Family Affair

When we pledged our sacred vows to love, honour and cherish in sickness and health; we could never have imagined the test we would receive.

As the three Authors of The Smiling Mask, our journeys through motherhood began with fear, isolation, and social pressure only to be reborn with powerful healing for mothers everywhere as we exposed our truths.

Thankfully, we were supported by our spouses in our darkest hours. Relying on our husbands to hold on, while we floundered in our deep holes, was at times an exhausting endurance race with no end in sight.

The Smiling Mask documentary features spouses Darren Bird and Ward Paterson who provide intimate detail s of what living with mental illness looked and felt like.

*****

Darren’s Experience:
Darren was coping with extreme stress after the birth of Katherine and was challenged to remain strong during the life and death situation his family experienced. “When it really got challenging and scary was when Tania’s blood pressure spiked enormously and was put on stroke watch, it really started to hit home. I had a little girl in the intensive care unit and a wife in the intensive care unit.”

After Tania’s health improved, her psychosis began and Darren had to admit her into the Psychiatric Ward, under false pretenses. After experiencing such an intense ordeal, their marriage survived only to be that much more solid. Tania speaks about their struggle with love and gratitude, “I contend lesser men would have left, but not my husband.”

*****

Ward’s Experience:
Ward and Elita didn’t recognize her struggle with PPD until the symptoms had become severe, causing them to finally seek help.

Ward explained candidly, “The endless nights of little sleep compounded day after day after day and then heading to working and the demands of that, catches up to you and you become a little irritable. It’s tough to fault anybody.”

After battling with PPD for eight months, Elita hit rock bottom and Ward encouraged her to seek counselling as he admitted that he was going to have his own nervous breakdown. The two of them sought counselling, together, which was immensely helpful to the survival of their marriage. Ward explained, “We had little patience with each other and little things would set us off. It was really mayhem.”

*****

Curtis’ Experience:
Curtis and Carla O’Reilly, unfortunately, endured the longest amount of martial stress being four years. Although their marriage didn’t survive, they have remained friends and co-parents for their son Cameron. “The horrible secret and difficult illness that plagued their lives is under control and Curtis believes they are much stronger people for going through it.”

Curtis offers this advice for fathers dealing with PPD, to be open to taking on more parenting responsibility, and suggests taking Paternal Leave. “We can’t just leave it to the mothers to carry the load, especially dealing with mental illnesses. You can’t gamble with your child’s life.”
“We should not take anything for granted and we should appreciate our lives and the people we share them with.” Excerpt from The Smiling Mask, 2008

*****

After watching the documentary, one will only admire the strength and heart of each husband who held their families together during such damaging circumstances.

Today, The Smiling Mask team celebrates the fathers who carried us in times of sickness and cheered us in times of triumph as we destroyed the mask of PPD. Thank you to Darren, Ward and Curtis. Thank you to all the fathers who remain iron, though tarnished, you continue to remain valiant.

Carla O'Reilly
Author & Inspirational Speaker

RubyShuze...You deserve the life you want!

I met Layne Schmidt nearly two months ago, now, and she's been a powerful ray of sunshine! I welcome her, warmly, as we all could use more rays these days ;) But, as I tell my daughter...the rain is helping Mother Earth get watered and clean. She's good with that. You know what else she's good with? Some simple tools on how to create a happy life for herself! Layne's site www.rubyshuze.com is a friendly must-read, as is her recent newsletter on the latest conversation she and I had about choices and a fabulous chain of events...enjoy!

Elita

Postpartum Depression DOES affect our Partners

Check out this recent link to learn how and why. Also, if you're interested in helping out present and/or future partners struggling, please consider contacting Esther Shoemaker at ebaum038@uottawa.ca to find out what you can do to make a difference, now! Refer to our past entry here for more information. Thank you and may you understand you're not alone and there is treatment and supports surrounding you and your family!

p.s. The Saskatchewan Maternal Mental Health Strategy will be including that the partners also be screened during pregnancy and postpartum in the treatment program that will be submitted to the government, this August! Now, THAT'S comprehensive and will make a magnificent difference to our families!

What is your child's purpose?

I'm watching the "Oprah" show with Jada and Will Smith as her guests. They are FABULOUS!! The words they share with their children are peaceful, sensitive, humorous as ever, and powerful.

Oprah asked about their family meetings and what is discussed, Jada and Will said something along the lines of...it is their purpose as a family to create a family business that will give back to themselves, their neighbourhood and then humanity as a whole. Once a family creates the space, creates the freedom for one another to learn their purpose, you will then nurture self-esteem which in turn creates an individual who makes healthier decisions for themselves and therefore contributes to the health of our world.

So the question is, 'What is your child's purpose? What is your purpose?" I firmly believe that once our children are given the peaceful space to be free to explore and create and are modeled consequences, peacefully and through a heart connection, are they then shown how to give back to themselves and the people around them. With this type of parenting will our children become agents of change, now! Check out sites such as www.connectionparenting.com and www.atlc.org for more guidance.

I believe when we live our purpose we are passionate, satisfied, happier and that much more aware of our life choices. We are less likely to be anxious and depressed as we are listening to our bodies and emotions and knowing what feels good or not. If something does not feel good to our being, then we search for solutions that deal with the real cause of our discomfort and move forward. Move forward with people who will support our journey to wellness.

Here's to people like Jada, Will, Oprah, Pam Leo, the Board of Directors of ATLC and many more who show people the how to live powerfully, heartfully and consciously by using our voices and modeling peace and purpose for our children! Our future.....

Elita

Looking for Dads out there who want to help others!

We are helping Dr. Letourneau and her assistant, Esther Shoemaker, by spreading their research news...

Hello,

I'm writing to you as a research assistant for Dr. Letourneau's current research project on fathers and postpartum depression. We are researchers affiliated with Carleton University, University of Toronto, University of New Brunswick, University of Alberta, and University of Calgary. We are currently conducting telephone interviews with fathers of partners who have experienced postpartum depression within the last five years. We have received ethical approval from all of the institutions involved and the research is funded by the Canadian Institute of Health Research.

We are wondering if you could help us to recruit participants for this study. Maybe you could put up posters in appropriate departments, and you could hand out brochures to individuals who might be eligible to participate. We are not asking you for active recruitment. However, it would be very helpful if you could pass on the information about our study so that fathers can decide on their own if they wish to participate. Of course, any participant will be reimbursed for the time of the interview.

Here is some additional information about the study, and I attached our poster, brochure and study protocol as a reference:

We are trying to understand fathers’ experiences when their partners have postpartum depression as well as fathers’ support needs, resources, barriers to accessing support, and support preferences. We want to find out how to help men whose partners are experiencing or have experienced symptoms of postpartum depression and how to promote fathers’ and mothers’ mental health. During the hour and a half telephone interview, participants will be asked to describe their experiences related to their partners’ postpartum depression. In addition, participants will be asked to complete a number of questionnaires related to demographic information, depression, marital quality, and social support.

The results of this study will enable program planners to develop and test an intervention for fathers which will enable them to better support their wives as they experience postpartum depression.

Please let me know if I can send you posters and brochures, and if you would like more information about the study.

Sincerely,
Esther Shoemaker
PhD Student, Population Health
Institute of Population Health
University of Ottawa
ebaum038@uottawa.ca

To all mothers and their families!

Happy Mother's Day!

The greatest thing she'd learned over the years is that there's no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.
- Unknown

Living these words is what made our healing journeys that much lighter and brighter. And, now, our team has moved into another milestone of our journeys! Three very important announcements:

1. The official announcement of the "Maternal Mental Health" working group was this past Monday, May 3rd, in Saskatoon! We are the only non-medical representatives on the 30+ person committee that has representatives from literally every corner of Saskatchewan. A heartfelt thank-you to Dr. Angela Bowen and her Assistant, Lindsey Bruce, and all the other esteemed members for the incredible work that is being organized and facilitated! Please check out the website for valuable resources and information ~ www.skmaternalmentalhealth.ca . Please share it with all the pregnant and new mothers you know, as well as their supports! Then there's your Family Doctor or OB.

2. We are giving back to our communities - we have cut or will be cutting $250 cheques to the:

• NICU/Mother and Baby Unit in late March;
• Canadian Mental Health Association last week during Mental Health Awareness Week;
• Moose Jaw Transition House on May 13th, and then to the
• YMCA Urban Challenge coming up June 19th.
  

We will have paid out $1,000! These donations would not be possible without the tremendous support we receive from our ambassadors both through purchases and sharing our message with your friends, families and co-workers.

3. Our team won the category of "Circle of Friends" at the YWCA Women of Distinction Gala on Thursday, May 6th!! The "Circle of Friends" is about honouring a group of two or more women whose collaboration has resulted in outstanding achievements and valuable contributions to their community or communities. We were thrilled to bits that we won! The acceptance speech began, "This is a victory for all Saskatchewan mothers!" We would also like to extend a heartfelt "Congratulations" to all the 2010 nominees and the work they are doing to improve the lives of our communities!

We look forward to what is on the horizon for mothers and their families! We believe change is occurring when it comes to maternal mental health and Postpartum Depression - this is a big topic for the G8 countries (more than 500,000 women globally succumb every year), CNN is soliciting stories, and the other provinces in Canada are watching Saskatchewan make policy changes. These truly are very exciting times!

With immense gratitude,
The Smiling Mask Team


Left to right ~ Carla, Tania and Elita